Rules rule
by Jammeke
Summary: To prevent chaos, Elizabeth created a special forum where she can post rules to keep everyone in check. Unfortunately for her, the expedition members can also react to the topics. Chaos ensues.
1. 1 to 20

**Title**: Rules rule

**Author**: Jammeke

**Summary**: To prevent chaos, Elizabeth created a special forum where she can post rules to keep everyone in check. Unfortunately for her, the expedition members can also react to the topics. Chaos ensues.

**Disclaimer**: Unfortunately, the characters don't belong to me. I certainly wouldn't mind owning a John Sheppard. Or two.

**Rules Rule**

**1) Do not invite **_**un**_**invited guests over to Atlantis. **

Rumor has it that when the Lucius incident was over, Dr. Weir made Dr. Beckett do the dishes for six days straight. According to witnesses, Sheppard came to taunt him every night.

_(Six days? Why six days, doc? - Lorne) _

_(I vaguely remember Elizabeth saying something about 'one day of scrubbing dirty plates for every poor woman Lucius married'... - Sheppard) _

**2) Do not use your skateboard near stairs/balconies/transporters.**

_(Aw, come on, not even the balconies? – Sheppard)_

_(That'd be a no – Weir)_

**3) Do not fight outside the gym.**

SGA-14 are still recovering from Ronon's assault. Apparently, the men were overheard discussing Teyla's 'tools'. Teyla wasn't available for comments. Ronon doesn't comment anyway.

**4) Do not touch yet unidentified Ancient Technology.**

_(We should not have to say this, people! – McKay)_

**5) Do not take your food outside the Mess Hall. **

a. This rule applies to everyone but McKay, because he hardly ever comes out of his lab.

_(Thank you, Elizabeth - McKay)_

**6) Do not temper with the lights. **

a. Or the temperature of the water

b. No matter how much you'd like to sabotage someone's quarters.

Everyone is still trying to forget about the Kavanagh incident. Dr. McKay's been awfully quiet about the whole thing.

_(Should I take offence to this? – McKay) _

_(Of course not, we're all secretly proud of you - Sheppard)_

**7) The Internet is not to be used for fun. Checking your mail and doing is research is something you **_**can**_** do. **

_(Why? The Internet doesn't cost us anything here in Pegasus. I'm sure the natives aren't even capable of spelling the word 'energy bill' – McKay)_

_(You have a point there. – Sheppard)_

8**) Do not wander through the hallways and corridors after midnight.**

a. Unless you are a guard on night duty.

b. Or in serious need of a toilet.

**9) Do not grab seconds in the Mess Hall.**

_(Shame – Dex) _

_(I'll just pretend I didn't read this one – McKay)_

a. This rule applies to everyone.

b. Including Doctor Rodney McKay.

c. If you are caught grabbing more, you'll be on laundry duty for three months.

_(I get the point – McKay)_

**10) You are not allowed to use Dr. Weir's office as a hallway.**

a. We don't care if it has multiple entries and

b. - just because the walls are made of glass doesn't mean you're allowed to stare 24/7.

_(I'm getting sick of it. – Weir)_

_(Want to swap offices? – Sheppard)_

_(Just use curtains. – McKay)_

**11) Follow the orders of your superiors.**

a. 'But Colonel Sheppard didn't' is not to be used as an excuse.

b. Nor is "Technically, I am not a member of this expedition".

_(# - Dex)_

_(This is most unfortunate – Teyla)_

**12) You are not to overload anything.**

a. _Anything _stands for every piece of technology that can be overloaded.

b. No exceptions.

c. Except when Dr. McKay orders you to.

**13) Do not wander off to yet unexplored parts of the city.**

_(Then how do you plan on exploring them? – Dex) _

**14) Stereos are forbidden.**

Everyone is still trying to recover from the Marilyn Manson incident. It also helps to avoid tympanum damage.

_(Oh please, everyone's got an iPod. – Sheppard)_

a. As are iPods.

_(Oh please, everyone's got… coffee – Sheppard) _

_(I'll kill you! – McKay) _

**15) Pets are not allowed on Atlantis.**

a. Neither are tamakotschi's.

b. Or other alien creatures.

**16) Do not feed the whales.**

SGA-3 decided it would be nice to give our leftovers to the whales. What followed was the arrival of dozens of whales on Atlantis. When Colonel Sheppard heard he was no longer allowed to swim off the West Pier, he got really cranky. Everyone is still trying to forget about what happened next.

**17) Things not to do in the hallways:**

a. Running

b. Singing

c. Horse riding

d. Shooting

e. Fighting

f. Meditating

_(Does this mean I still get to tap-dance? – Cadman)_

g. Tap-dancing

**17) Do not die.**

a. No excuses will be accepted.

b. Except comments along the lines of: 'I was trying to save the rest of the expedition'.

_(Oh please, like it happens on purpose – Anonymous) _

_(How did Daniel Jackson get access to the Pegasus wide web? – Sheppard)_

**18) Do not defy rule 17. **

**19) Do not dive off the Piers.**

a. One word: whales.

**20) You are to stay in the infirmary until the Chief Medical Doctor clears you to leave.**

_(Hey! – Sheppard)_

_(You do realize this rule was added because of you – Beckett)_

_(I take no credit for it – Sheppard)_

_(Hmpf – McKay) _

_TBC..._


	2. 21 to 40

**Rules Rule**

**21) Do not**** assume Wraith dead after you shoot them.**

a. It takes a lot of bullets to kill them. And even when you succeed-

b. –there's always the chance their arm starts crawling around.

**22) ****You are not to redecorate rooms, except for you own quarters.**

Most people thought it was funny when Sheppard decided to paint the Gate Room blue. Dr. Weir surely wasn't one of them.

**23) ****Jumpers are not to be left off-world.**

a. Nor are they to be given to the Genii.

_(Amen to that – Sheppard)_

**24)**** Flirting with the aliens; don't even think about it.**

a. Unless it is a necessary step in the process of getting us a ZPM.

_(You do know this rule is not going to stop him – McKay)_

(Rule? – Sheppard)

**25) Bugs. Just no.**

Nobody is completely sure why Colonel Sheppard put this one up. It has been confirmed, however, that Gerald Baxter – the botanist with the bug collection – is now dead.

_(Hey! That was because of Kirsan fever! – Sheppard)_

_(Says you – McKay) _

**26) There will be no playing hide and seek in the hallways. **

**27) You are not to plant a flag on a planet, star or moon and claim it is yours.**

The locals of MPS-G77 weren't too happy when Major Lewis started a colony on their world. The only thing SGA-1 managed to recover were his toenails.

**28)**** Everything is possible. **

a. An attitude like: 'yeah right, like that's going to happen' or 'very likely' or 'that's impossible' will get you hurt.

b. Or worse.

**29) There will be no bungee jumping off the towers.**

**30)**** Playing solitaire on the laptops is f.o.r.b.i.d.d.e.n!**

The game has been removed from the laptops several times, but so far the scientists have always managed to upload it again.

**31) ****You are not to refer to SGA-1 as 'The Fantastic Four'.**

a. They have names and ranks you can use.

b. And we're getting sick of it.

_(Not me – Sheppard)_

_(Shut up – McKay)_

**32) There will be no handing in mission reports later than planned.**

a. Writing '_I am so very sorry I am late_' a thousand times isn't pleasant.

_(She's serious – Sheppard)_

_(You'd know – Ronon)_

**33)**** When they serve meatloaf in the Mess Hall, you are to eat it.**

a. There will be no letting perfectly good food rot.

c. The cooks have spoons and other things they can hit you with.

**34) Do not glide off the stairs banister in the Gate Room. **

Lieutenant Hewkes glided off the banister three months ago. "Dear God" would be the best way to describe what happened when he hit the floor.

**35)**** It is forbidden to trade our C4 off-world. **

Colonel Sheppard will be more than happy to inform you about what happened when he traded our C4 to the Genii.

_(Anyone who dares ask me about_ that _incident, will be stuck behind a desk for three weeks! – Sheppard)_

_(Only you would think of sitting as punishment – McKay)_

_(Me too – Ronon)_

_(Oh please... like anyone would dare to put_ you _behind a desk – McKay)_

**36) Jumpers are not tools.**

_(What is she implying? – Sheppard)_

**37)**** Never quote Dr. Phill.**

a. Or Oprah.

b. Or any other TV-psychiatrist.

**38) There will be no drinking off-world.**

_( ? – Ronon)_

_(She means alcohol – Sheppard)_

**39) You are not allowed to drink coffee near Ancient technology, laptops or invaluable things.**

Once upon a time, SGA-9 spilled coffee over the DHD. The DHD wasn't broken, but the same could not be said for Captain Davis' arm when Chuck was done with him.

**40) Transporters are not tools.**

a. Yo-yoing in the Transporter is childish.

b. That, and we are getting sick of cleaning the hallways of vomit.

_TBC... _


	3. 41 to 60

**Rules rule **

**41) Don't stare at Hermiod.**

a. Seriously.

**42) There will be no touching alien crystals off-world. **

a. Or any other dangerous (or innocent) looking things.

_(Oh yeah, that's helpful – McKay)_

_(I'm trying to make a point, Rodney – Weir)_

**43) You are not to point at Colonel Caldwell and say: "He looks like Skinner from the X-files."**

Unless you want to be court-marshalled like Lieutenant Roberts.

**44) The media room is not to be used for movie nights. **

a. Or computer games.

_(Wii? – Ronon)_

b. Or the Wii.

**45) Off-world teams are not permitted to bring mascots with them off-world.**

Apparently, the rubber duck SGA-5 brought along to PHM-X77 looked like the natives' version of the devil. The team was chased off the planet with spears and wooden stakes.

**46) There will be no peeing in Puddle Jumpers.**

a. We don't care if they have no facilities.

b. Just don't eat or drink anything.

c. Or use a nappy.

**47) If you encounter 10.000 year old plants; you are to remove them.**

**48) Ronon is not to be fought more than one time a day by the same person.**

a. The marines are to remain in good health in order to protect the city.

**49) Just because McKay did it, doesn't mean you can either.**

Dr. Kavanagh once tried to use lightening power for one of his projects. He ended up scorching his ponytail.

**50) The Mainland is not a holiday vacation spot; do not bother the Athosians by teaching them how to surf.**

_(I do believe beach-volleyball has become quite popular – Teyla)_

**51) No one is allowed a personal balcony.**

a. Stop asking for one.

b. Pouting will not get you anywhere.

_(It worked for Sheppard – Zelenka)_

**52) Just because Sheppard did it, doesn't mean you can either.**

**53) Do not throw wrappers, bags or other stuff you'd like to dispose off into the ocean.**

a. Environmental issues, people.

b. We have a second chance here in Pegasus, let's not ruin it.

**54) You are not to come back from a mission bald, or with a tattoo or piercing.**

a. Or pregnant.

**55) Picking out your favorite power bar is forbidden. You are to grab the bar lying on top in the box.**

a. Or we'd never lose the onion-flavored ones.

_(Onion-flavored? – McKay) _

_(You've never had the pleasure of tasting one? – Sheppard)_

_(We allowed to vomit into the ocean? – Ronon)_

_(I figure it's better than in the hallways – Sheppard)_

_(Good. I had one – Ronon)_

_(Those poor whales – McKay)_

**56) Don't skip post-mission checks in the infirmary.**

Dr. Beckett has a way of tracking you down and making the examination _even more_ unpleasant.

**57) Eating unchecked alien food is forbidden. You are to eat your power bars off-world.**

_(No – Ronon)_

_(I think you're an exception – Sheppard)_

a. Except for Ronon Dex.

_(I would hate to start an argument – Teyla)_

b. And Teyla Emmagan.

_(Hey, if I start whining… - Lorne)_

c. Stop it.

**58) Keep your radio with you at all times.**

a. For obvious reasons.

_(And a headset looks cool – Sheppard)_

_(Oh, now we're convinced – Cadman)_

_(I am your CO – Sheppard)_

_(Sorry, sir – Cadman)_

**59) Don't touch the naquadah generators.**

a. Just because.

b. And they could explode and destroy us all.

_(Nice extra touch, Sheppard - McKay)_

**60) Playing soccer tournaments in the Gate Room is not open for discussion.**

_(Had to try – Sheppard)_

a. Nor is Canadian _Ice_ Hockey.

_(Figures – McKay)_

c. Or **bull **fighting.

_(Who asked for that? – Sheppard)_

_(Me, sir – Gorgonzoles)_

_(For the love of… - Sheppard) _

_TBC…_


	4. 61 to 80

**Rules Rule**

**61) ****Never. Ever. Look away from your enemy. Shows weakness.**

_(Ronon? – McKay)_

_(Yeah – Ronon)_

**62) Do not step through the Stargate alone.**

a. Because of protocol.

b. And there's also the fact that it's pretty dangerous out there.

**63) Don't take longer than 38 minutes to step through the Stargate.**

SGA-1 found out that, yes, it is possible to need this amount of time to come through the puddle. If you want the more detailed version of the story - including bugs and a defibrillator - you'll have to ask one of the team-members.

**64) There will be no smoking within the walls of Atlantis.**

a. Or on the balconies.

b. Or off-world.

c. Just no.

**65) It is forbidden to have relationships with people under your command. **

_(Am I under your command? – Sheppard)_

_(I'm your boss, yes – Weir)_

_(Yeah, but technically… - Sheppard)_

_(Stop making her blush; her red face and her red shirt don't go well together – McKay)_

**66) You are not to be on medication **_**and**_** duty at the same time, **

a. John Sheppard.

**67) Don't make Carson cry.**

a. It ain't pretty.

_(Colonel! – Beckett)_

_(Doing you a favour, doc. And me, too – Sheppard)_

**68) ****Girls poker night is for girls **_**only**_**.**

a. The first guy who dares set foot inside the entertainment room again at ladies' poker night will be sent to a deserted moon.

b. As will the second.

c. The third one will be brushing Atlantis' toilets using a toothbrush.

_(If it's that time a month for Laura Cadman, you will be using your own toothbrush - Beckett)_

**69) ****You can't have Ronon's gun.**

a. End of discussion.

b. Period.

c. Deal with it.

**70) If it ain't broke; don't fix it.**

_(Churchill? – Sheppard)_

_(Bert Lance – Weir)_

**71) When the city is in lock-down, you are not to move through the city without a Hazmat suit.**

a. Even if you are immune, you are to wear a suit.

b. Better safe than sorry.

c. Or dead.

**72) Do not remove the crystals of Ancient Technology. Ever.**

Dr. Kusanagi once removed the crystal of an Ancient blow-driver. The thing exploded in her face.

_Exception nr. 1: You are trying to keep someone from going through the Stargate._

_Exception nr. 2: You are trying to open a locked door when there's an evil entity after you._

_Exception nr. 3: You are being ordered to do so by Dr. McKay. _

**73) Do not open windows in the living areas of the city.**

a. If you want to breathe in fresh air; by all means, use the balconies.

b. We have a ventilation system, so we probably won't suffocate.

Major Lorne thought it was a good idea to open the window in the Gym. Ronon ended up (accidentally?) pushing Sergeant Jansen through.

**74)**** Always hold your Wraith Stunners upright.**

Sergeant Bates once jogged around a corner with a Stunner under his arm. Dr. Biro was unfortunate enough to bump into him.

**75) You cannot change the laws of physics.**

a. Laws of physics.

b. Laws of physics.

c. You cannot change the laws of physics.

c. Laws of physics, Jim.

_( ? – Ronon) _

_(Star Trek? Seriously? – McKay)_

(It's the only way to get through to the geeks – Weir)

(We take offence to that – Dr. Kusanagi)

**76) You are not to travel back or forward in time.**

a. Unless it's really not your fault.

_(You only added that because you did it yourself – Sheppard)_

_(So did you – Weir)_

_(I didn't come up with the rule - Sheppard)_

_(Time travel makes for a lot of paperwork – Weir)_

_(All right, I'll give you that – Sheppard)_

**77)**** Just because the beds are too short doesn't mean that you can complain about it all the time. **

a. There's nothing we can do about it.

b. We have short beds, too.

c. We're getting _tired_ of the complaints.

d. And because our beds are too small, we don't get to _rest_ properly.

e. Get the point?

**78) If you go off-world, you **_**have**_** to wear the Expedition uniform.**

Dr. Dams thought it would be a good idea to wear a bikini to the tropical planet PHB-M99. Our Athosian source recently confirmed that she is now part of Chief Mwalski's harem.

**79****) No, you can not spell 'Asurans' with scrabble. **

a. It's _not_ a real word.

b. And neither is MKH-PXG.

**80) Never use plan A.**

a. It won't work.

_(Nor will plan B – Sheppard)_

_(Don't scare them – Weir) _

_TBC..._


	5. 81 to 100

**Rules Rule**

**81)**** You are not to wear jewellery off-world. **

Sergeant Brooks wore earrings to M72-IV7. The natives accused her of provoking their goddess Ande'ai – who, as Brooks was told later, is allergic to silver - and cut them off, along with a few bits of ear.

_(So _that's_ what happened to your ears, Sheppard! – McKay)_

_(No, Rodney, I am an elf – Sheppard)_

**82) If you are a sleepwalker, you are to report this to Dr. Weir. Immediately.**

a. We can't have people wandering around in the middle of the night.

b. It usually results in their falling off the stairs or tripping over balcony railings.

_(Or their trying to kill their CO – Sheppard)_

_(I said I was sorry, sir – Lorne)_

**83) Don't snore!**

a. The Ancients - in their infinite _un_wisdom - forgot to make the walls soundproof.

_(Did you read this, McKay? - Sheppard)_

_(Oh please, you sleep at the other side of the hallway – McKay)_

_(True. So how is it that I still hear you at night? – Sheppard)_

_(You don't. It's me – Ronon)_

**84****) You are to tie your shoelaces at all times!**

Colonel Sheppard has taken to waltzing around with his shoes unlaced. Last week, he caused a pile-up of _human bodies_ by stumbling over them on the stairs of the Gate Room.

**85) You are to wear a uniform with the flag of your country on it. **

a. We have to keep the Germans and the Dutchmen apart.

**86)**** Wearing wigs off-world is forbidden.**

a. The natives are easily spooked. If you accidentally lose your hair in the middle of a conversation, they might just freak out (read: kill you).

**87) Bikes are not to be used on Atlantis.**

a. Three words: too many stairs.

b. You could also go with: pushing your luck.

**88) You are not to get hooked up on Wraith enzyme.**

SGA-1 had some trouble fighting of the addiction. If the members of _that_ team go as far as to use the word 'trouble', you know it's **Trouble** with a capital **T**.

**89) Killing random birds in the hopes they taste like chicken is forbidden.**

a. You get chicken once a month in the Mess Hall.

b. Our off-world teams have caused entire species to die out in the Pegasus galaxy.

**90) When Chuck announces: "Incoming wormhole", you are to get away from the Gate.**a. Or duck.

_(Like they don't already know that – McKay)_

_(Some don't and I've had it with the random shoes laying on my floor – Weir)_

**91) You are not to download ****MSN Messenger onto your laptops. **

a. There's work to be done.

b. Viruses created by man are more troublesome than the Wraith and the Replicators combined.

**92) Don't wear red off-world.**

a. You'll die.

_(Do our uniforms not have red in them? – Teyla)  
_

_(I don't think she's serious – Sheppard)_

_(Have you never watched Star Trek? – McKay)_

**93) Beaming technology is not a toy.**

a. Stop beaming people up at random.

_(I never did that – Caldwell)_

(Innocent until proven otherwise - Hermiod)

**94) Playing poker for money is forbidden.**

a. As is stripping poker.

**95) If you managed to lay your hands on a wraith dart, you are not to fly it into the Gate Room.**

a. You'll pierce the person defying rule nr. 90.

b. Or crash into the stairs.

**96)**** Do not make campfires off-world.**

SGA-13 made camp on PHX-M77. Their campfire started out small - but covered half the planet by morning.

**97) Guns: _always_ put the safety on.**

a. We do not want a reminder of the Dickenson incident.

Apparently, Dr. Dickenson wasn't used to carrying a gun around. He put the gun in his back pocket with the safety off. Dr. Beckett only managed to restore half of his butt to its former glory.

**98) Wraith are not vampires.**

a. Stop poking at them with wooden stakes.

_(It worked on the red-haired Queen – Sheppard)_

b. Don't think silver will protect you.

_(Were we not forbidden to take jewellery off-world? – Teyla)_

c. Don't think they only attack at night.

_(Okay,_ that's _a good point – McKay)_

_(I try – Weir)_

**99) Lab mice are here for ****research only. Stop playing with them!**

a. And would the female members of this expedition please stop freeing the animals from their cages?

b. We know you feel sorry for them, but we are currently experiencing mice plagues.

**100) You are not to say: "We are peaceful explorers" upon entering a village.**

a. We're losing credibility.

b. That, and it's getting really old.

_(How about: 'take me to your leader' ? – Sheppard)_

_(Also, very not done – Weir) _

_TBC..._


	6. 101 to 120

**Rules Rule**

**101) Don't climb onto MALP****s. **

a. We only have so many of them.

b. And we really don't care who would win the race to the Mess Hall.

**102) You are not to "improve" our Puddle Jumpers.**

_(Seriously, the one who assumed Jumper 8 would land easier with wheels under it, had better hide before I find them! – Sheppard)_

_(And who came up with the chair heater? My trousers are still wet in_ all _the wrong spots – McKay)_

_(Not to mention the twelve emergency exits in Jumper 4! How someone managed to fit all those doors in such a small space, is a mystery to me – Sheppard) _

**103) It is forbidden to drag trees through the Gate-**

a. -and claim we need them for Christmas.

b. Also, no mistletoe.

**104) iPods are not to be taken off-world. **

The natives of MG1-875 got scared by Tokio Hotel and tried to 'ban the evil from their world' by throwing rocks at SGA-12.

**105) You are not to spread HP off-world. **

a. Harry Potter is _not_ a religious book.

b. It will not be hard for the Wraith to track us if we keep leaving behind a trail of natives with surprisingly familiar scars on their forehead.

**106) Don't send pieces of Atlantis home as souvenirs.**

a. This is a classified location, people.

b. If you keep this up, there won't be much of a city left to explore.

**107) Don't run around with a lollipop in your mouth.**

a. For obvious reasons.

_(Where do people get them anyway? – McKay)_

**108) You are not allowed to skip toilet-cleaning duty.**

a. They don't clean themselves.

b. And if you _do_ skip your turn, you're on laundry duty, too.

_(You_ don't _want to see McKay's underwear, people – Sheppard)_

_(You are not allowed to say anything; you have_ planes _on your boxers – McKay)_

_(How'd you know? – Ronon)_

**109) When Sheppard and Weir are on a balcony; back off.**

_(Rodney? – Weir)_

_(I just thought I'd warn them – McKay)_

_(What about sending the wrong message? – Sheppard)_

_(Right – McKay)_

**110) Don't touch shiny objects.**

a. They explode.

_(Or contain entities that kill you in your sleep – Sheppard)_

**111) Wraith Queens are to be avoided at all costs.**

a. They read minds.

b. They're hard to kill.

_(Their voices are manly – Sheppard)_

**112) It is forbidden to claim that something can't happen to us because it already happened to SG-1. Fate is either not creative, or fastly running out of ideas. Either way, the things that happened to SG-1, always seem to happen to us, too. **

a. Ask McKay

b. Or Carter

c. Or read mission reports.

**113) SGA teams are not to refuse to go on a mission with SGA-1.**

_(Not everyone dies – Sheppard)_

_(Exactly; Lorne's still alive – McKay)_

**114) Don't use too much C4 at once.**

Major Lewis used 14 packages at once. The planet he was on exploded. So did the nearest moon.

**115) Do not accuse the Athosians, unless you have good reason to.**

a. This does not involve meeting Wraith off-world and drawing wrong conclusions.

b. It also doesn't involve information having found its way to our enemies.

_(Seriously folks, Teyla can be pretty scary if she wants to be, so I'd honour this rule if I were you – Sheppard)_

_(Yeah – Ronon)_

**116) You are not to kill natives with yellow eyes.**

a. We're serious, SGA-6.

b. Goa'uld do not reside in Pegasus.

_(The Supernatural fans are also to back off, they already killed the yellow eyed demon on the show - McKay) _

**117) There will be no feeling guilty when there is nothing you could have done.**

a. John Sheppard.

**118) Don't leave a planet after visiting "the village".**

_(Do you really think that every -enormous- planet in Pegasus only has one tiny village? Who knows what we goods we missed out on over the years because of your simplicity – McKay)_

_(_You're _the one who always wants to get back to Atlantis in time for __lunch – Sheppard)_

_(Well, _we're _allowed to travel back and forth whenever we want to. We're SGA-1 - McKay) _

_(True – Weir)_

_(She really say that? – Ronon) _

**119) SGA-1 does it better.**

a. The stunts those guys pull off are not to be tried at home.

b. Or anywhere at all.

**120) Just because Startrek references are forbidden, doesn't mean you should start comparing this place to the Kingdom of Narnia!**

_(Let's settle this right now – Weir) _

a. For one, we did not come through a wardrobe.

b. We have not yet encountered ice queens, talking lions or dwarfs around here.

c. No, SGA-1 does _not_ resemble Peter, Edward, Susan and Lucy.

_(Correct me if I'm wrong here, but are we not with three men? – McKay)_

_(You'd be Lucy – Beckett)_

d. We don't fight with swords: they're cliché.

e. Have you seen dancing trees around here?

f. Exactly.

_TBC..._


	7. 121 to 140

**Rules Rule**

**121)**** You are not to start fires within the walls of Atlantis.**

a. The city will dump about five thousand litres of water on your head.

b. The sound of the alarm is getting on everyone's nerve.

**122) Don't****:**

a. steal things

b. sabotage things

c. damage things

d. hurt _our_ guys

e. murder our guys and only kill _those guys_ if you really have to.

f. Wraith are to be killed in all scenarios.

**123) Canadians are not to be messed with.**

_(What is so funny about us anyway? – McKay)_

_(I dunno – Chuck)_

**124) Clipboards are not for surfing off the stairs.**

a. Surfing is forbidden in this city.

b. Research has pointed out that clipboards work better when not broken.

**125) Everyone is allowed**** _three_ drops of sugar in their coffee.**

Having too much energy is not necessarily a good thing. We'd like to keep Atlantis intact.

**126) You can not fall out of a meeting without a **_**very**_** good excuse.**

a. And Dr. Weir will be the judge of what's a good reason and what's not.

**127) You can't invite relatives over to Atlantis.**

_(Innocent – McKay)_

a. Jeannie Miller is an exception.

_(Can my mom come? – Beckett)_

b. Don't make me repeat this rule.

**128) 'Don't ask don't tell' is _not_ to be ignored!**

a. Can you people stop running into my office with gossip and juicy details?

b. Thank you.

_(You are welcome to run into my office – Sheppard)_

**129) Carrying around more than two guns is forbidden. **

_(Knives? – Ronon)_

a. Eight knives.

_(Fifteen – Ronon)_

b. Ten knives.

_(Thirteen – Ronon)_

c. Nagging your leader is also forbidden!

**130) The self-destruct mechanism is not a toy.**

SGA-3, you're making Chuck age beyond his years.

_(And my hair's gone grey – Chuck)_

**131)**** When confined to the Brick, you are not to touch the shield.**

a. If you don't heed my warning, you'll be electrified.

b. Just so you know: I don't care if that happens.

_(I do care – Weir)_

_(But I don't – Sheppard)_

_(Would people please stop posting rules on my account? – Weir) _

**132) You can't name Wraith prisoners**

a. Bob

b. Steve

c. Todd

*All rights are reserved.

*And we'd like to keep confusion to a minimum.

_(John! – Weir)_

_(All right, all right, that was the last one – Sheppard)_

**133) Don't sit down in the Ancient Control Chair unless you're told to.**

Doctor Kusanagi let the toilets on the twelfth floor explode, Doctor Beckett almost killed General O'Neill and at the time Major Sheppard, Lt. Colonel Sheppard blew up entire hive ships and Doctor McKay activated the self destruct mechanism_. _

_(Grrr – Chuck)_

_(Oh, suck it up – McKay)_

**134) Ordering pizza for fun is **_**not**_** funny. **

a. And therefore forbidden.

b. Ristorante is still bothering the President with confused letters and phone calls.

**135)**** Don't leave your stuff in the hallways.**

a. People tend to stumble over everything that crosses their path.

b. Red trolleys don't match our green walls.

**136) ****The girls' bathroom is not accessible for guys.**

_(Which one's that again?- Sheppard)_

_(It's the one_ you _always use – McKay)_

**137) You are not allowed to speak a language other than English when you're on the clock.**

_(If I stop speaking Czechisch, _they _won't like me anymore – Zelenka)_

_(Who? – McKay)_

_(Théy - Zelenka)_

_(The same guys who want me to be immortal? – Beckett)_

_(? – Sheppard)_

_(Just wait 'till you change your hair, they'll be all over you – Beckett)_

**138) ****Don't leave your tray on the table when you're finished. **

a. You won't get desert.

**139) Trade off-world is only possible when the natives agree to the deal.**

Sergeant Janssen stole a golden tablet on MX7-233. Apparently, to keep thieves from stealing again, their hands are cut off on that planet.

a. Janssen is still alive.

b. Doctor Beckett is inhuman.

_(It was not that hard a surgery – Beckett)_

**140) Hunting off-world is forbidden.**

_(? – Ronon)_

_(This goes for you, too, Ronon – Weir)_

_(You do realize that now he's going to hunt on Atlantis? – Sheppard)_

_(And that by a lack of animals, he'll take humans – McKay)_

_TBC..._


	8. 141 to 160

**Rules Rule **

**141) Do not use the Transporters while the scientists are tampering with the power.**

a. You'll get trapped.

b. Or transported to the wrong place - probably at the wrong time.

_(Oh please, you're acting like people get sent to deserted balconies all the time – McKay)_

_(It happened once – Weir)_

_(Yeah, to Kavanagh, but I'm sure that delightful moment had nothing to do with the power failure; we all know that Atlantis despises him – McKay)_

**142) If the city is in a lockdown; you are not to penetrate the walls with sharp objects.**

a. Quarantines usually happen with good reason.

b. We can't keep covering the holes in the wall with ugly paintings from Earth.

**143) You are not to bring "cute" animals from alien planets back to Atlantis.**

The monkey SGA-11 brought back with them set the infirmary on fire, SGA-14's rabbit dug a corridor through the outer walls of the Control Tower, and the bear-like creature SGA-3 showed up with is never to be mentioned again.

_(Wasn't that bear on Atlantis around the same time your wardrobe was torn to tiny pieces? – Sheppard) _

_(Yeah, I always assumed the color red triggered some sort of aggressive response – McKay)_

_(Gentlemen, one more word and you'll be very sorry – Weir)_

**144) Handing in handwritten mission-reports is prohibited.**

a. You'd think that if one can decipher Ancient symbols, one should be able to read their own people's handwriting.

b. Think again.

**145) Do not scare your team-members off-world.**

a. Friendly fire is to be avoided at all costs.

_(You know, Ronon, what with your having dreadlocks and all... I could easily mistake you for a wraith and shoot you – McKay)_

_(You'd miss – Ronon)_

_(Yeah, I'd be more concerned about the person standing next to him - Sheppard)_

**146) Don't disrespect the religion of alien cultures.**

a. If they think wearing a skirt will keep the Wraith away; you are to wear a skirt.

_(Did you pick an example at random, or… - Sheppard)_

SGA-5 were asked to participate in a ritual on PXG-M56. The team refused, and their clothes were torn apart by the natives.

a. If you'd have bothered to read the mission-reports, Colonel, you would have been aware of this.

_(Yeah, well… next time something interesting like that happens, let me know and I'll make an exception – Sheppard) _

**147) Do not chase civilians out of the gym if they don't play by the rules.**

_(I just stared at her – Ronon)_

_(Be glad she didn't suffer a heart attack, Chewie – McKay)_

a. This goes for everyone.

_(I can't help it if women don't know how to play football – Sheppard)_

b. If anyone tells me you did it again, you will not be allowed anywhere near the gym again, Colonel.

**148) If a door is locked, you are not to enter the room.**

_(I said I was sorry – McKay)_

_(How could you _not_ know it was her bathroom, Rodney? – Sheppard)_

**149) Do not launch sudden attacks against: **

a. Replicators

b. Wraith

c. Ronon

_(The only result you'll be getting is trouble – Weir)_

**150) You are not to disturb your co-workers when they are off-duty.**

_(The sweet sound of justice, Radek – McKay)_

_(I do not need you that often, Rodney – Zelenka)_

_(Please, I've not had a decent night of sleep since I got here – McKay)_

_(That's not my fault – Zelenka) _

_(Shut up, McKay, you always drag __**me **__out of bed in the middle of the night to activate stupid Ancient artifacts – Sheppard)_

_(Yeah, well… that's important – McKay) _

**151) You are not to shoot suspicious things on sight. **

a. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and acts like a duck; it most probably _is_ a duck.

b. If not, you are to determine _what_ it is, before you blast the hell out of it!

_(Elizabeth?! – Sheppard)_

_(I believe Elizabeth is looking for a way to get through to Ronon – Teyla) _

**152) Do not allow for your body to be taken over by an (alien) entity or virus.**

a. One word: paperwork.

_(Second word: kissing – McKay)_

McKay ended up kissing Beckett and Brown, Weir ended up kissing Sheppard, Sheppard ended up kissing Teyla, and we don't even want to speculate about whom Caldwell might've kissed.

**153) The brig is not to be used for fun. **

a. The first person who dares lock another person in the brick again, will be stuck in there for the next couple of months-

b. –and thus have plenty of time to pray Colonel Sheppard won't capture a Wraith to accompany them.

**154) You are not to **_**not**_** mention your allergies before coming to Atlantis! **

a. And it would be appreciated it if you don't develop new allergies here as well.

_(That's beyond anyone's control, Elizabeth – Beckett)_

_(I know it's wistful thinking on my part, but EpiPens can not be found in every corner of Atlantis – Weir) _

**155) Do not wander off off-world without your radio.**

Sergeant Baptist made the mistake of checking out an Ancient ruin on his own. When his team-mates failed to contact him, they assumed the natives of the planet had captured him, and launched an attack against the village. Fortunately, no one died, but Sergeant Baptist is still spotting two black eyes and a broken nose. Whether it was the natives or his team-mates is yet unknown.

**156) Puddle Jumpers are not to be flown through space by people who haven't had proper lessons from Colonel Sheppard. **

a. We can't have people banging them against moons.

b. Or stars.

c. Or Hive ships.

_(Sheppard does it all the time – McKay)_

_(Did you fail to read rule 52, McKay – Weir)_

**157) Hacking into one's computer is not open for discussion.**

a. Some things are better left alone.

_(You mean the… tasteful photo collection on Kavanagh's laptop? – McKay)_

**158) Uploading photos or pictures from the Internet is prohibited!**

_(I think he shot the pictures himself; they looked unprofessional – Sheppard)_

a. Taking pictures is also prohibited.

_(D'you think he can draw? – Ronon)_

b. Drawing is also prohibited.

_(Hey! – Lorne)_

_(I'm sorry, Major. Better safe than sorry – Weir) _

_(I agree; those pictures were most disturbing – Teyla)_

_(Has anyone in this city _not _hacked into my laptop!? – Kavanagh)_

_(What else did you expect? You use 'ponytail' as a password – McKay)_

**159) Breaking Hazmat-protocol is out of the question.**

Dr. Willis thought it would be unnecessary to dress up for his visit to MXG-784 (the planet where washing is considered a crime). The only disease he _didn't_ catch was fever.

**160) Don't wear ties off-world.**

a. If not want to end up strangled by creative aliens.

_TBC..._


	9. 161 to 180

**Rules Rule**

**161) In case of**** unauthorized off-world activation, you are not to enter the lower half of the control room. **

a. Heavily armed marines are allowed to pretend not to have read this rule.

b. So are people with a death wish.

**162) You are not to refer to Colonel Sheppard as 'Lt. Colonel'.**

a. Except when Colonel Caldwell is around.

_(__**Lieutenant**__-Colonel! – Weir)_

_(I'm sorry; I swear this was the last time – Sheppard)_

**163) Do not overload the systems.**

a. I know it seems like an easy order to follow, but you just wait…

b. Scientists get bonus points for managing _not_ to do it.

**164) Wheelchairs are not to be used for racing.**

a. Just because the MALP's are off-limits, doesn't mean you can wheelchairs instead.

b. You are not allowed to sit on anything that has wheels under it.

_(McKay… – Sheppard)_

_(No, it's technically impossible for something to ride without wheels, __**Lt. **__Colonel – McKay)_

**165) You are not to leave the lights on upon leaving a room.**

a. Two words: wasting power.

b. The ZPM is not a toy, people; we need it for… important things!

**166) When on the Mainland, do not play in the forest after dark.**

_(Twice! I did that twice, and I only got injured once! – Sheppard)_

_(That makes your statistics worse than Jinto's – Weir)_

**167) Downloading music is prohibited.**

a. For obvious reasons.

b. I don't care how much you've paid for your iPod.

c. Sell it off-world and make something good come of it.

**168) No one, except for the Athosian children, is to wear a Wraith mask.**

a. Ronon is getting cranky.

b. They're downright scary.

_(What about hockey masks? – Sheppard)_

_(If we're losing the hockey masks, then skateboards should be banned as well – McKay)_

_(Skateboards aren't scary, McKay – Sheppard)_

_(Speak for yourself! I once broke my neck over yours – McKay)_

_(Should I point out that that's impossible? – Beckett)_

_(Don't bother – Weir)_

**169) Pre-flights are not to be skipped.**

SGA-6 actually flew a Jumper through the wall of the Jumper Bay because it hadn't been warmed up properly.

_(I think they've gone into hiding; I can't find them anywhere – Sheppard)_

_(You were chasing them with __**guns**__ – McKay)_

a. SGA-6 are still alive. The Jumper, however, isn't.

_(Ah, I see – Teyla)_

_(Nope, they're never coming back – Ronon)_

**170) Santa costumes are not allowed on Atlantis.**

It has been confirmed that two Athosians threw a dressed up Dr. Banks into the ocean because he bore a resemblance to a Wraith. As of yet, we haven't been able to convince the alien children of Santa's harmlessness.

**171) The rules on this forum are not to be broken!**

a. It seems like everyone made a point of ignoring my last chapter:

b. I've found the painting under your bed, Major Lorne.

c. And I thought I was clear when I announced that you were not to speculate about whom Caldwell might have kissed.

_(I thought Miko's theory made the most sense: a Goa'uld is most likely to be attracted to other snakes. Therefore, Kavanagh would indeed seem like the only logical option – McKay)_

d. The first one to break one of my rules again, will be sent back to Earth. No exceptions.

_(You only posted that addition after I posted my comment, so… - McKay)_

_(Don't push it – Weir)_

**172) You may not use the Athosian cows for rodeos. **

a. The Athosians got whipped cream instead of milk last week.

_(Are you suggesting that's a bad thing? – McKay)_

**173) Do not touch the DHD.**

a. Chuck's reason for being is not to be messed with.

b. If that things break, you're done for.

**174) You are not to fly a Jumper **_**and**_** be on heavy medication at the same time.**

a. Don't even start with me; just re-read rule 52.

**175)You may not decorate the Stargate during Christmas time.**

a. The decorations will _never_ stop disappearing into thin air once the wormhole activates.

b. Two times now, people bumped into the ladder after they stepped through the Gate.

**176) No vacuum cleaners either, Lt. Colonel!**

_(Damn – Sheppard)_

_(Did you beat my record on the MALP? – Lorne)_

_(I didn't, the damn thing broke when I was halfway – Sheppard)_

**177) Botanists aren't allowed to put alien herbs into tea anymore.**

People have actually turned green. On top of that, Dr. Hammers' nose has grown to the size of a pineapple, and Dr. Kusanagi's grown two extra toes because of the Rodneyoflaccus.

**178) You are not allowed to use the toilet for longer than three hours.**

a. The rows are growing longer every day.

b. Why anyone would need that much time, no one wishes to know- but the unknown activity is hereby prohibited.

**179) There will be no humming on this base.**

a. Especially the annoying tunes everyone recognizes, but has forgotten the lyrics of.

b. Migraines are bad enough without them.

**180) The Ancient artefacts are not to be taken out of the labs.**

a. We can't risk people activating them at random.

b. Corridors have been blown up for less stupid reasons.

_(The whole city is Ancient – Sheppard)_

_(I'm talking about the yet untested devices, Lt. Colonel – Weir) _

_(Yup, now I'm not afraid of accidentally blowing the hell out of this place anymore… - Sheppard)_

_(I trust you'll be careful – Weir)_

_(You know me – Sheppard)_

_(I know and that's what scares me – Weir)_

_(Oh please, would you two stop quoting cliché movie lines? – McKay) _

_TBC..._


	10. 181 to 200

**AN: **I'd like to thank all of you for sticking with this story up until the end! It was your reviews that made me abandon my school work and force myself to come up with more rules; that's all an author can ask for! This, however, is the last chapter, because I don't think there's much left for me to work with. I hope you'll enjoy the tenth and last chapter!

**Rules Rule**

**181) You are not to skip your sessions with Dr. Heightmeyer.**

a. John Sheppard.

_(Fine, but if she ever says 'and how does that make you feel?' again, I am so out of there – Sheppard) _

**182) You are not to eat cake/brownies/pudding or other sweets before you're done with your meal.**

a. Desert can only be retrieved upon showing the chef your empty plate.

b. You need to eat all your vegetables in order to stay healthy, overgrown children.

**183) Discrimination is not allowed on this base.**

a. We all come from the same planet.

_(Aren't you discriminating Teyla and Ronon right now? – Sheppard)_

**184) You are not to travel to an alternate universe.**

a. It's getting old.

b. Think of the PAPERWORK, people!

c. Quantum mirrors are to be destroyed on sight; therefore, you can't travel to an AU without breaking **two** rules.

d. Which means you'll be on laundry duty twice as long.

**185) You are not allowed to throw your team-mates off balconies.**

_(Hah, McKay was wearing a personal shield; no dishes for me this month – Sheppard)_

_(Kavanagh isn't my team-mate – Ronon)_

_(I believe that does not justify your actions, Ronon – Teyla)_

_(No, but the fact that the man has a pony-tail does – McKay)_

**186) Do not let anyone know that you are from Atlantis.**

_( ? – Ronon)_

_(She means the people off-world – Sheppard)_

**187) Tales of the Brothers Grimm are not to be read aloud.**

**188) You are not to solve the last Sudoku puzzle on the Midway Station.**

**189) Entering someone's quarters without their permission is prohibited.**

_(With all due respect, Ma'am; then how did you find the painting under my bed? – Lorne)_

_(I have my sources – Weir)_

_(Do I want to know? – Lorne)_

_(No – Weir) _

**190) Do not re-create FRAN **_**again**_**.**

a. Much as we like her, the poor girl hasn't had a day off since McKay first created her original form.

**191) Replicators are not toys.**

a. And for God's sake, don't play cards with them.

_(Then will stick their hands in your head, get the information they want and walk out with your money – McKay)_

**192) April fool's day does not exist on Atlantis.**

a. Period.

_(My shoes don't have laces; don't even try it – Weir)_

**193) Umbrella's are **_**not**_** part of the off-world outfit; stop bringing them along.**

Surprisingly, SGA-13 lived to tell the tale about their meeting the natives on MHX-788. The villagers tried to unclasp the their umbrella and succeeded in poking out the eyes of the Village Chief. If you want details about what happened next, you will have to get Dr. Beckett's report of the disaster.

**194) Cheating at chess tournaments is prohibited.**

_(Why can't you just admit that I'm better than you? – Zelenka)_

_(Never – McKay)_

_(FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, RODNEY! – Weir) _

**195) Upon encountering Ancients, you are not to insult them.**

a. No matter how many mistakes they've made, or how desperately they want to take Atlantis from us.

_(Are we allowed to sleep with them? – McKay)_

b. No.

_(Tough luck, Sheppard – McKay)_

**196) There will be no turning on the heat during summer time.**

a. Isn't it bad enough that we have successfully ruined Earth's environment? Do we have to start in another galaxy as well?

_(We _can_ use hot water, right? – Sheppard)_

_(Yes, you can – Weir) _

_(What about getting a second car? – Ronon)_

**197) Do not fly your Jumper too close to a sun.**

a. Radiation could cause some serious damage.

b. The temperature could become a problem as well.

c. Don't think Sunglasses will do you any good when your ship's melting away.

**198) If you find an interesting object, you are not to keep it.**

_(Did anyone find my wallet? – Chuck)_

_(I'm missing my bra – Cadman)_

_(My painting is gone – Ronon)_

_(Yeah, I'm sorry about that… I just can't help myself – McKay)_

**199) Pyjama parties; just no.**

Dr. Grant's party turned out to be one big bullying match about whose pyjama was the prettiest. Weeks later, the problem still wasn't dealt with. It took the botanists' apartment two months to realize that Dr. Brown had, in fact, the cutest pyjama. When Dr. McKay stepped in and told them that he absolutely disagreed, the situation escalated.

**200) Making decisions without consulting your superiors is prohibited. **

a. I _always_ have the final say in the matter.

b. Period.

c. End of story.

_**THE END**_


End file.
